100th post: Insecurities

So here is my 100th blog post! I started writing this on Wednesday night, but I realized it was more autobiography than I would like (got about 5 pages in...). This is a shorter, condensed version! I haven't edited this, so it may not make much sense. I wrote this mainly through my "emotions" rather than from a logical perspective.

I hope you enjoy this! =)

Ah, early Thursday morning… 30 minutes before class starts. I’m sitting in the room, wayyyy earlier than I usually would be in class. Well, let’s try writing my 100^th blog post right now: insecurities.

This blog post won’t be as happy as my previous ones, but its not all doom and gloom (if you manage to reach the very end!) So let’s start!

So why did I pick to write about insecurities? Well, for those that know me, I’m usually a pretty happy person. Due to this, I get comments that I’m so optimistic, that my life must be going well, that I’m living the dream (which I actually laughed at), etc. NOW I’m not saying that these comments piss me off. I’m glad that most people see me as a joyful person. However, I like people to know that I’m human too; that I have problems/issues in my life as well (Oh and thank you to those people who trust me enough to share their problems/issues with me).

So long story made short: I grew up in a sheltered household that made me arrogant and cocky. Once I realized that the world is bigger than what I first perceived it to be, I had a huge reality shock that shattered who I was. At this point in time, I lost all motivation to strive for my initial goals (power and wealth). Besides the reality shock, I lost a very dear friend due to me struggling to maintain my initial goals.

These two blows in my life really bummed me out to the point where I viewed my daily life as simply morning and evening; a continuous finite cycle. Due to some events in high school, I started to soul-search, to find out who I was. By the time I finished high school, I thought I knew what I wanted in life, but boy was I wrong...

The first couple of years in university were similar to my years in high school. I still felt kind of an empty shell, but it wasn’t as bad. I had the chance to meet new people, but I kept to myself most of the time. When in contracted frostbite in my 2^nd year, that was severe enough that I could have lost my toes, I entered a stage of depression at that time. During this period though, I had friends that helped me through my pain, either through keeping me company as I recovered or by telling me that money isn’t everything (that I should perhaps asked for a taxi instead of waiting for the train). From that point onward, I started to soul search once again, and realized that it’s an ongoing process for me.

So what did I discover?

Here I stand from before, my greatest insecurities I believe comes from my strengths. My parents, with hope to put me through medical school, had geared me with a whole range of skills by putting me through a ton of extra-curricular activities (piano, karate, swimming, skating, speech and drama, rapid calculations, badminton, etc). Despite all the effort and endless amount of money they put into my education (piano lessons ONLY used to cost them almost $500 a month for myself only), I feel like I have failed to meet up their expectations.

I understand that it is my life; that I can choose whatever I want to do, but I’m a person that dislikes asking others for favors, for believe that I need to return the favor. They are my parents, yes, but it’s still a favor in my eyes. My insecurities made me keep to myself, becoming somewhat of an introvert.

The reason why I took the MCAT last summer? To please my parents; to show them that I “tried” to get into medicine. If you have no heart, then how can you achieve? It was a waste of money (I believe almost 1400 dollars)…

Besides that, I have all these skills that I have acquired, but I never put them to good use. Piano? I completed my ARCT, but after that day, I never played the piano seriously. I have lost my touch, my voice… my soul in music. I only play notes now. The music doesn't flow through my fingers like how they used to...

How about karate? I lost that chance early on to develop the skills when I was young, to maintain my flexibility as I grew older. Now a days, my balance is off, my kicks don’t go nearly as high, nor do I feel that I can land a hit “on-target”. I wished I practiced harder when I was younger... 

There are many, many more things that I feel like I failed in, that it would probably take up at least another five pages. At times, I think to myself, “I’m supposed to improve as life goes on, but I’m not… aren’t I?”. As of course, it not only affects me, but perhaps my relationship with others…

As to those people who know me well, I do not open myself easily to others. I wear a mask most of the time. I’m passive and obedient, even though I feel that I am quite stubborn in my ideals. I hide in my shell, my fortress that I have made, for this is where I feel “safe”. There’s no risk of getting hurt, is there? I don’t believe in the “hurting others before they hurt me” philosophy. Rather, I just stay back and avoid it in the first place. My heart is cold…

Now, that is enough misery for one day. 

I’ll be upfront and honest about my true intention of entering education. First of all, I had nowhere to go with my biological science degree. I refuse to do a master’s in a subject where I didn’t really like. Second of all, I have been a tutor/instructor for about a decade, so I thought that education was my natural calling. Well, a couple of my friends urged me not to enter education, since jobs aren’t easy to come by and even if I do get a job, the pay isn’t all that great. I was VERY close in dropping out of education, but my “gut feeling” stopped me from doing so.

The third reason, which I just realized quite recently, why I entered education… is to regain my heart. I may not be learning lots of about designing lesson plans or classroom management, but I’m learning what it is to be human. To REALLY show empathy to others. Just recently, one of my own profs was telling a touching life story of her hardships, and for the first time in a long time… I actually felt pain within myself, like I was able to understand her hardships as well.

Despite the path I choose for my future, I will never forget the lessons I learn in Education and throughout my late teen years. Of course, I’m not a brand new person, but little by little, I’m starting to feel more and more like a human being: One that can accept who I am, and one who can love with his heart. I am not alone in this world. I have people that I can rely on. I don’t have to trust only myself. I'm not the only person who have insecurities.

Now for those of you who are down in the dumps, there’s a saying that I came up with last year when I was feeling down: “Despite all the pain and despair that life brings, life is beautiful. Cherish the good, acknowledge the bad and live for tomorrow”. Things may be tough at the moment, but that’s life. You just have to keep trucking through to the very end. The past is the past. Let it help shape who you are and learn to live with the regrets.